mauve-alert:

I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I know I need to advance the main quest, but instead I faff about doing side quests because the main quest is intimidating and I don’t feel like I’ve leveled up enough to be able to handle it.

(via radiantbutterfly)

- Reblogged from: mauve-alert - Posted: 19:26, Sun 27 Oct 13 - 132,726 notes -
Tags: - life - personal -

wisdomengine:

realsocialskills:

Do you have any tips on how to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not? As in whether or not someone intends to cause harm to you, etc. I find that I never realize I’m being mistreated until it’s too late, and it makes it really hard for…

Lots of good thoughts in realsocialskills’ post, but it seems to me it misses the most crucial thing.

I learned this gem from Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear which I recommend highly; it’s about dealing with extremely dangerous people, but some of the lessons apply more generally, and this one does.

The single most important sign that someone is likely to be a danger to you is that they ignore your “no”. You tell them “no” about something, even something trivial, and they discount it. Maybe they:

  • Ignore your “no” and do anyway what you told them not to do.
  • Try to argue you into whatever you refused.
  • Throw a temper tantrum or out-right threaten or assault (intimidation).
  • Threaten to hurt themselves or imply they’ll be devastated by your refusal (emotional blackmail).
  • Etc.

So the thing is to evaluate what happens when you tell someone “no”. Not just what they say (though pay attention to that, too) but whether your no “sticks”.

Let me give you a little example of what I mean by that. I was starting a new job, and the person I was supposed to be shadowing for my first day was negotiating with me when it would be. I explained that I had a previous commitment all day on Tuesday, but I could come in on Monday and then return on Wednesday. He was initially resistant to the idea, but then suddenly changed his mind, saying, “Oh, actually that would work well, because it won’t be busy so I can focus on showing you the paperwork.” So we agree I’ll come in on Monday. I’m there bright and early on Monday morning… and he never shows up. I leave various messages on his cell’s vmail. Then, after I’ve left after lunch, there being nothing for me to do, I get a call on my way home, him being so very apologetic, and asking if I could come in to make it up on Tuesday. The day I had told him I wasn’t available, but which now it was somehow my responsibility to make available to him because of his screw-up turning this into an emergency. I remember thinking at the time, “NICE try, sunshine. Still not coming in on Tuesday.”

The thing is to evaluate whether, after you’ve told someone “no”, it winds up happening anyway — one way or another. If it does, that’s not someone to trust.

de Becker describes in his book how batterers looking for partners use an escalating pattern of discounting nos when trawling for potential partners, to filter for those who will tolerate their boundaries being overridden. It’s chilling — and illuminating. He describes a scenario in which a man approaches a woman at a bar, offers to buy her a drink and she says “no, thank you”, but he buys one for her anyway. Maybe then he buys her dinner over her objections, or insists she’s cold and put on his jacket. Then he’s insisting on driving her home. If she doesn’t insist on her “no” being respected, it just keeps escalating:

He will next try one a notch more significant, then another, then another, and finally he’s found someone he can control. The exchange about the drink is the same as the exchange they will later have about dating, and later about breaking up.

What a boundary is is a place (metaphorically speaking) where you say, “this far and no further”. It’s a “no”. Saying “I don’t want to go with you”? That’s a boundary. Someone who doesn’t hear and honor your “no”? They aren’t aren’t someone you should trust, and you should let them into your life only so far as you have reason to believe you can control them and enforce your “no” with them, because that’s what not respecting your boundaries looks like.

The corollary to this is that it’s pretty simple to check to see how someone handles your “nos”. If you told someone you prefer not to go out for Chinese, but somehow here you are at the Chinese restaurant with them, anyway, without any sort of agreement on your part to go along with them… something is wrong. If your expressed preferences, wishes, limits — even small ones that you might be inclined to shrug off as “well, it wasn’t that important to me, I don’t want to make a fuss” — are routinely ignored, challenged, or overridden one way or another, your “no” is being discounted and your boundaries trespassed.

(BTW, you don’t necessarily have to make a fuss if you don’t want to to protect your boundaries, you know. You can simply quietly and to yourself factor this observation about another’s behavior into your own decision whether to continue engaging with them. Were situation permits, it’s entirely legit to decide, “You know, I don’t like how this person treats my ‘nos’, so I’ll just elect to spend further discretionary time with people who respect my ‘nos’.

After I read The Gift of Fear and started noticing how certain other people ignored my “nos”, my friends circle changed significantly; it was surprising to me how the profile of the people I hung with changed. For one thing, a lot of quieter, more easily overlooked, people started being more prominent in my life. They weren’t flashy, they didn’t necessarily express care in showy ways, but once I started paying attention to who respected my “nos”, these are people who shone.)

Obviously, this is a really challenging issue for anyone who was raised to believe that they don’t get to have opinions, don’t get to refuse care-givers, or don’t get to have a say in their lives. In fact, I would say it’s absolutely core to why those things are so terrible to experience: they are all examples of having one’s “no” discounted, not merely on occasion, but systematically. They are terrible because they train people treated that way to believe they don’t get to have “nos”. And people have a right to have “nos”.

That’s what autonomy is: getting to have “nos”.

Another way to put all this is that someone who doesn’t respect your “nos” is someone who doesn’t respect your autonomy.

This really clicked with me.

(Source: realsocialskills)

- Reblogged from: realsocialskills - Posted: 20:00, Sat 26 Oct 13 - 399 notes -
Tags: - personal -
- Posted: 11:59, Thu 13 Sep 12 -
Tags: - Advice - Life - Personal -
- Posted: 11:56, Thu 30 Aug 12 - 3 notes -
Tags: - Peanuts - Personal -

missmonstermel:

I really wish i had this advice ten years ago, could have saved so much time avoiding toxic “friends” and parasites. 

(Source: amypoehler, via emmyc)

- Reblogged from: amypoehler - Posted: 10:13, Mon 20 Aug 12 - 108,567 notes -
Tags: - Friends - Personal - Positivity - Amy Poehler -

albinwonderland:

REAL women don’t menstruate obvi

Couldn’t not reblog this one.

(via albinwonderland)

- Reblogged from: albinwonderland - Posted: 12:59, Sun 12 Aug 12 - 2,374 notes -
Tags: - Women - Personal - OMGZ MENSTRUATIONZ -
otpgirl-juliette:

Everyone, let’s be happy today.

otpgirl-juliette:

Everyone, let’s be happy today.

(Source: exochanyeollover)

goforthandbeawesome:

real women

Excuse me while I throw this down, I’m old and cranky and tired of hearing the idiocy repeated by people who ought to know better.

Real women do not have curves.   Real women do not look like just one thing.

Real women have curves, and not.   They are tall, and not.  They are brown-skinned, and olive-skinned, and not.  They have small breasts, and big ones, and no breasts whatsoever.

Real women start their lives as baby girls.  And as baby boys.  And as babies of indeterminate biological sex whose bodies terrify their doctors and families into making all kinds of very sudden decisions.

Real women have big hands and small hands and long elegant fingers and short stubby fingers and manicures and broken nails with dirt under them.

Real women have armpit hair and leg hair and pubic hair and facial hair and chest hair and sexy moustaches and full, luxuriant beards.  Real women have none of these things, spontaneously or as the result of intentional change.  Real women are bald as eggs, by chance and by choice and by chemo.  Real women have hair so long they can sit on it.  Real women wear wigs and weaves and extensions and kufi and do-rags and hairnets and hijab and headscarves and hats and yarmulkes and textured rubber swim caps with the plastic flowers on the sides.

Real women wear high heels and skirts.  Or not.

Real women are feminine and smell good and they are masculine and smell good and they are androgynous and smell good, except when they don’t smell so good, but that can be changed if desired because real women change stuff when they want to.

Real women have ovaries.  Unless they don’t, and sometimes they don’t because they were born that way and sometimes they don’t because they had to have their ovaries removed.  Real women have uteruses, unless they don’t, see above.  Real women have vaginas and clitorises and XX sex chromosomes and high estrogen levels, they ovulate and menstruate and can get pregnant and have babies. Except sometimes not, for a rather spectacular array of reasons both spontaneous and induced.

Real women are fat.  And thin.  And both, and neither, and otherwise.  Doesn’t make them any less real.

There is a phrase I wish I could engrave upon the hearts of every single person, everywhere in the world, and it is this sentence which comes from the genius lips of the grand and eloquent Mr. Glenn Marla:

There is no wrong way to have a body.


I’m going to say it again because it’s important: There is no wrong way to have a body.

And if your moral compass points in any way, shape, or form to equality, you need to get this through your thick skull and stop with the “real women are like such-and-so” crap.

You are not the authority on what “real” human beings are, and who qualifies as “real” and on what basis.  All human beings are real.

Yes, I know you’re tired of feeling disenfranchised.  It is a tiresome and loathsome thing to be and to feel.  But the tit-for-tat disenfranchisement of others is not going to solve that problem.  Solidarity has to start somewhere and it might as well be with you and me.

- Reblogged from: ushahidi - Posted: 01:25, Tue 31 Jul 12 - 2,594 notes -
Tags: - IMPORTANT - Women - Feminism - Body Issues - Personal -
symphony-of-a-survivor:

I fight like a girl, assholes.

symphony-of-a-survivor:

I fight like a girl, assholes.

- Reblogged from: symphony-of-a-survivor - Posted: 13:00, Mon 30 Jul 12 - 891 notes -
Tags: - Feminism - Women - Strength - Personal -
- Posted: 12:56, Wed 18 Jul 12 -
Tags: - personal - advice - life -

(via the-beauty-of-words-blog)

- Reblogged from: the-beauty-of-words-blog - Posted: 12:51, Tue 17 Jul 12 - 861 notes -
Tags: - Advice - Love - Life - Personal - Hurt -

(via the-beauty-of-words-blog)

- Reblogged from: the-beauty-of-words-blog - Posted: 11:59, Sun 15 Jul 12 - 895 notes -
Tags: - personal - advice - negativity -

(Source: allaboutchinese, via radiantbutterfly)

- Reblogged from: allaboutchinese - Posted: 11:59, Fri 13 Jul 12 - 410 notes -
Tags: - personal - dreams - love - life -
Sad people should do this. Then they wouldn’t be so sad.
Angry people should do this. Then they wouldn’t be so angry.

Sad people should do this. Then they wouldn’t be so sad.

Angry people should do this. Then they wouldn’t be so angry.

(via the-beauty-of-words-blog)

- Reblogged from: the-beauty-of-words-blog - Posted: 12:58, Fri 06 Jul 12 - 3,443 notes -
Tags: - Personal - Happy - Sad - Angry -

So first, I discover a new fanfic that sounds interesting:

I’m all “I’m ready, let’s go!”

As I start reading I begin enjoying the interpretation of my bias:

The first time my OTP meet:

Then I read the well-intentioned but poorly written smut:

Then some dramatic shiz goes down:

By the end I’m pretty much:

And the author is all:


1
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